Give the benefit with its condition
Figures persuade best when the condition comes with them. Here, a supplier presents a reusable shipping tag: “whereas” contrasts two facts; “however” adds the condition.
- Figures: “In a twelve-week trial covering eighteen thousand parcels, misroutes fell from 2.8 percent to 1.1 percent.”
- Contrast: “Paper is cheaper for its first use, whereas the reusable tag brings the cost per shipment down through repeated cycles.”
- Condition: “However, that benefit depends on customers returning at least ninety percent of the tags.”
Evidence verbs: match the verb to the data
“Proves” says no other explanation is possible, which one trial rarely shows; “reports” says whose claim it is. Discuss: when did you last read a claim stronger than its data?
- shows (clear finding): “The pilot shows that packing time fell across the three participating retailers.”
- suggests (likely, some doubt): “The return rate suggests that customers will use a simple prepaid process.”
- demonstrates (a test showing it works): “The wash test demonstrates that the tag can survive repeated cleaning.”
- proves (alternatives ruled out): “A twelve-week pilot does not prove that every return network will work.”
- reports (whose claim): “The warehouse manager reports that new staff learned the reset process in under an hour.”
Could, was able to or managed to?
“Could” covers general past ability and past seeing or hearing. For one specific success, use “was able to”, or “managed to” after difficulty; in the negative, “couldn’t” works for both. After will, may or want to, use “be able to”.
- “The first prototype could survive washing, but it could only store one fixed address.” (general ability)
- “After the carrier changed its file format, the team was able to update every tag before the next dispatch.” (one success)
- “Despite a six-hour outage, the warehouse managed to dispatch all urgent orders that evening.” (after difficulty)
Admit the limit, then propose a smaller pilot
Every proposal meets the question “Does your evidence apply to us?” Name the limit, then turn it into a test with a scope, a threshold and a review point.
Listen: where does the pilot start, and when is the review? (One depot; after ten thousand parcels.)
Maya Not yet. The first pilot covered urban customers, so it cannot prove rural performance. That’s why I’m proposing a six-month test with two depots, fifty thousand parcels and return points at carrier lockers.
Owen Could we begin with one depot and add the second only if the return rate stays above ninety percent?
Maya Yes, and we could agree a review after the first ten thousand parcels. If the threshold is met, your second depot will be able to join without a new setup fee.
The follow-up email in five moves
Write 150–180 words to one decision-maker and cut features that do not answer their concern. Finance wants cost per shipment first; data protection wants to know what you collect, how long you keep it and who can see it.
- Their priority: “Thank you for explaining that rural return access is your main concern.”
- Evidence and limit: “These results support a controlled test rather than a full rollout; our urban trial cannot predict rural performance.”
- Scope and measures: “I propose starting at your North depot with ten thousand parcels, measuring return rate, packing time and misroutes.”
- Threshold and data: “If at least ninety percent of tags return, the South depot will be able to join. We will document retention periods before any customer data is processed.”
- Dated request: “Could you review the attached terms with procurement by Friday?”
Common mistakes
These make a proposal sound oversold or careless:
- “The trial proves it will work everywhere.” Say “suggests” and name the limit.
- “Last week we could fix the scanner problem.” One success: “we were able to fix”.
- “The second depot will can join.” Use “will be able to join”.
- “The team came up a solution.” Keep “with”: “came up with”.
- Ending with “Let me know your thoughts.” Ask for one dated decision.
A 10-minute daily practice routine
Use a real product or idea.
- 2 minutes: make three claims about it with “shows”, “suggests” and “does not prove”.
- 3 minutes: tell its story with “could”, “was able to” and “will be able to”.
- 3 minutes: draft a five-move follow-up for one named reader.
- 2 minutes: rewrite the opening for a finance or data protection reader.
What comes next
Next: an email explaining what a supplier visit will verify, then a decision memo with a trial review date.

